Sunday, January 8, 2012

the good and bad about Audrey's birthday.

With Audrey's birthday coming up there is a lot of excitement, but with that comes guilt, and A LOT of whys.  Nearly everyday for the past year, I have wondered why I had to have a c-section.  You see, we think we know why Audrey didn't come out, but it's nothing we will know for sure ever.  I have good days and bad days, today is a bad day, regarding my feelings about Audrey's birth. Some days I feel like I did all I could and other days I feel like maybe we went to the hospital too soon.  Maybe if I would have rested a little longer in the tub she would have come out.  Did I really have to go to the hospital? Was there really no other way to have Audrey but a c-section?  I read beautiful natural birth stories and feel so..happy for these women and yet a little jealous that I couldn't have that.  Yes, I labored naturally and that part was wonderful it truly was it's just working so hard for a c-section is well tough.  I know that a healthy baby is all you want in the end, but I wanted a natural birth more than anything.  What you guys don't know about my birth story is that I cursed out the nurses and yelled at them asking what they were hooking me up to.  Yup, I have to admit it, I was not very nice simply because I didn't want to be in a hospital.  Most moms just love seeing those first pictures of there little one in the hospital. Honestly, I cringe seeing them because the look on Audrey's face is sheer terror.  She didn't see me or Carlo first, but a doctor.  She didn't lay on my chest immediately and breastfeed. (she did breastfeed in recovery)  Strangers took her and I wasn't the first to hold her nor was Carlo.  That is a horrible thought to me.  I love Audrey so much and I just feel that the way she entered into this world was not worthy of the person that she is.  She deserved so...much better.  If I get to ask the big guy, whomever that is, 1 question, it would be what happened to not let me have a natural birth, why couldn't I have a natural birth??

Sorry for the negativity and what not.  I just need to vent regarding this subject. It is something I have yet to accept.

Here is the picture I am talking about that is sheer terror.

Sorry for the rant/vent.  It is a tough subject for me and having a c-section is something I have yet to really accept. 

For those of you just checking out my blog, my sincere apologies. Here is the link to my birth story.

1 comment:

  1. Girl, things happened the way they did and you can't go back and change it. Audrey isn't gonna remember that day when she came into this world and that may be for the best. I know I don't fully understand the heartache that you have but you did what you could that day and she obviously loves her momma and is one very lucky girl. Don't be so hard on yourself, it's only gonna drive you crazy! Not every day can be a good day, but every day is a new day :) I hope it'll get easier for you with time. You have a wonderful husband, daughter, pups and life Heather Beezy and I love you too!