the good and bad about Audrey's birthday.

With Audrey's birthday coming up there is a lot of excitement, but with that comes guilt, and A LOT of whys.  Nearly everyday for the past year, I have wondered why I had to have a c-section.  You see, we think we know why Audrey didn't come out, but it's nothing we will know for sure ever.  I have good days and bad days, today is a bad day, regarding my feelings about Audrey's birth. Some days I feel like I did all I could and other days I feel like maybe we went to the hospital too soon.  Maybe if I would have rested a little longer in the tub she would have come out.  Did I really have to go to the hospital? Was there really no other way to have Audrey but a c-section?  I read beautiful natural birth stories and feel so..happy for these women and yet a little jealous that I couldn't have that.  Yes, I labored naturally and that part was wonderful it truly was it's just working so hard for a c-section is well tough.  I know that a healthy baby is all you want in the end, but I wanted a natural birth more than anything.  What you guys don't know about my birth story is that I cursed out the nurses and yelled at them asking what they were hooking me up to.  Yup, I have to admit it, I was not very nice simply because I didn't want to be in a hospital.  Most moms just love seeing those first pictures of there little one in the hospital. Honestly, I cringe seeing them because the look on Audrey's face is sheer terror.  She didn't see me or Carlo first, but a doctor.  She didn't lay on my chest immediately and breastfeed. (she did breastfeed in recovery)  Strangers took her and I wasn't the first to hold her nor was Carlo.  That is a horrible thought to me.  I love Audrey so much and I just feel that the way she entered into this world was not worthy of the person that she is.  She deserved so...much better.  If I get to ask the big guy, whomever that is, 1 question, it would be what happened to not let me have a natural birth, why couldn't I have a natural birth??


Sorry for the negativity and what not.  I just need to vent regarding this subject. It is something I have yet to accept.


Here is the picture I am talking about that is sheer terror.

Sorry for the rant/vent.  It is a tough subject for me and having a c-section is something I have yet to really accept. 

For those of you just checking out my blog, my sincere apologies. Here is the link to my birth story. 
http://itsabigworldbaby.blogspot.com/2011/08/business-of-being-bornmy-story.html