With Audrey's birthday coming up there is a lot of excitement, but with that comes guilt, and A LOT of whys. Nearly everyday for the past year, I have wondered why I had to have a c-section. You see, we think we know why Audrey didn't come out, but it's nothing we will know for sure ever. I have good days and bad days, today is a bad day, regarding my feelings about Audrey's birth. Some days I feel like I did all I could and other days I feel like maybe we went to the hospital too soon. Maybe if I would have rested a little longer in the tub she would have come out. Did I really have to go to the hospital? Was there really no other way to have Audrey but a c-section? I read beautiful natural birth stories and feel so..happy for these women and yet a little jealous that I couldn't have that. Yes, I labored naturally and that part was wonderful it truly was it's just working so hard for a c-section is well tough. I know that a healthy baby is all you want in the end, but I wanted a natural birth more than anything. What you guys don't know about my birth story is that I cursed out the nurses and yelled at them asking what they were hooking me up to. Yup, I have to admit it, I was not very nice simply because I didn't want to be in a hospital. Most moms just love seeing those first pictures of there little one in the hospital. Honestly, I cringe seeing them because the look on Audrey's face is sheer terror. She didn't see me or Carlo first, but a doctor. She didn't lay on my chest immediately and breastfeed. (she did breastfeed in recovery) Strangers took her and I wasn't the first to hold her nor was Carlo. That is a horrible thought to me. I love Audrey so much and I just feel that the way she entered into this world was not worthy of the person that she is. She deserved so...much better. If I get to ask the big guy, whomever that is, 1 question, it would be what happened to not let me have a natural birth, why couldn't I have a natural birth??
Sorry for the negativity and what not. I just need to vent regarding this subject. It is something I have yet to accept.
Here is the picture I am talking about that is sheer terror.
Sorry for the rant/vent. It is a tough subject for me and having a c-section is something I have yet to really accept.
For those of you just checking out my blog, my sincere apologies. Here is the link to my birth story.