bittersweet moments

The closer it gets to August the more I keep thinking how much I will miss my little girl during the day.  She recently learned how to say I love you and it melts my heart completely.  I ask her for big hugs and kisses and get them all the time.  I know while some mama's can't wait to get their little ones in another room to sleep, I am dreading it honestly.  Audrey sleeps on her mattress right beside my side of our bed and I love it. I can hear  her, and bring her in bed to snuggle and nurse around 3am most nights.  I love cuddling.  Our well laid out plan has gone a little astray.  The nanny we had will be out longer than anticipated and won't be back until the beginning of October.  This caused me quite the panic attack.  I am such a planned person and am very very picky when it comes to someone watching my little one.  In the end, I broke down and got on care.com and put a VERY specific profile that I am sure will scare some people away, but it will be the people I wouldn't be interested in anyway I am sure.  As far as my milk supply goes 5pm works far better for pumping than 8pm.  I can get 2oz at that time, the issue is not using it.  I had 4oz stored up and am back down to nothing...OY!  I am also playing for a movie in mid-August it's a 1 day all day type thing so....you can see where I might be getting a little stressed.  I go from a stay-at-home mom/occasionally gigging mom turned part-time working mom/still occasionally gigging mom.  I pumped, but not like all the time, at least not recently.  When Audrey was small I pumped because she needed milk during lessons or Carlo had to put her to sleep sometimes because of a lesson.  Now, I only pumped when I needed and if i skipped a day it wasn't a huge deal.  Sure it was nice to have an extra 8oz in the freezer, but now it's critical to pump EVERY day!  I can't afford to miss a day.  Audrey drinks at least 2oz for nap, maybe more, I am not sure honestly. I am the only one who has put her down and she nurses to sleep so yeah.  My mom-in-law, who was watching Audrey while I was at a workshop the other day, attempted to put her down for a nap, it didn't happen.  Instead, Audrey and I took a late 3:30pm nap and she went to sleep at 7pm.  Anyway, here I am being all bittersweet.  Forgive me. I love my little burrito so..much and enjoy her so much.  I know this new job I have will be good for us, trust me I know it will be, but it's not any easier.  I love teaching and playing and am really exciting, but this will be the first time I will be away  from Audrey on a regular basis.  What can I say attachment parenting worked not just for her but me too, I am quite attached.  How could you not be attached when you have a little one that is as cute as Audrey?

she put mama's shirt on all by herself!